Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
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[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
me after drinking all the wine:
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
You better watch out
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.