Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
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“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.