@BubblesnBooze

Him: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.

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@AnniemuMary

Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.

@ShortSleeveSuit

Guy: Which way is left?

Me: *points to the right*

Guy: What is a horn for?

Me: Jazz

Guy: Where does gasoline go?

Me: *points to my tummy*

Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*

@_ElvishPresley_

*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME

@jimmytorosian

Me: That tree is impeckable

“Don’t you mean impeccable?”

*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*

Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?

@funnybeachgirl

*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*

@causticbob

my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015

@foodfacenow

Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is

@briancthayer

*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*

Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE

@david8hughes

[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”

@Chelsea_Elle

Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.