Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
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Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.