Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
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I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Me irl
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.