I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
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my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit