him: i can talk now

me: hey what’s up

him: i’m in the bathroom

me: yea me too what’s up

him: hang on some dumbass thinks i’m talking to him

me: lmao what an idiot

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In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”

He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”


Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.

Correction: It doesn’t.


car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha

me: ok phew haha

*muffled screaming*

car salesman: 100%


Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.


I really should learn to say “congratulations” instead of “are you keeping it?”


*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*


“dad i can explain”

u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes


If I were God, I’d totally be cool with you using my name in vain.

Feel free to say, “Oh John” next time you’re cumming ladies.


God (inventing humans): hey someone throw a rock at the lizards i have a worse idea


Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.