In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
him: i can talk now
me: hey what’s up
him: i’m in the bathroom
me: yea me too what’s up
him: hang on some dumbass thinks i’m talking to him
me: lmao what an idiot
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Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
car salesman: 100%
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
I really should learn to say “congratulations” instead of “are you keeping it?”
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
If I were God, I’d totally be cool with you using my name in vain.
Feel free to say, “Oh John” next time you’re cumming ladies.
God (inventing humans): hey someone throw a rock at the lizards i have a worse idea
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.