@MorticiaKate

Him: I can’t sleep

Me: try counting sheep

Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?

Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*

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@ArfMeasures

God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!

Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha

God *creates birds*

@Senor_LongDong

[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?

Friend: yeah sure!

Me: *starts beatboxing*

@darinlovesbacon

Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.

@WheelTod

Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.

@NewDadNotes

[parking garage]

FBI: got the file?

Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]

FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing

@undeadmolly

My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.

@KevinFarzad

Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”

@AndyAsAdjective

I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.