Him: I can’t sleep

Me: try counting sheep

Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?

Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*

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God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!

Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha

God *creates birds*


Me: you want some trail mix?

Friend: yeah sure!

Me: *starts beatboxing*


Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.


Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.


[parking garage]

FBI: got the file?

Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]

FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing


My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.


Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”


I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.