HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
You Might Also Like
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it