Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
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[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
When you take Google Maps too seriously.