@JediGigi

Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.

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@Coolisiana

Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons

@DadandBuried

As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.

@MarcusTheToken

I left some acorns in the spot where I killed a squirrel because I’m thoughtful. Also because a gang of squirrels burned a cross in my yard.

@jnrbtsn

He said he liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on his window, it’s all screaming and shit.

@Gupton68

The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.

@TheBoydP

If by “chivalry is dead” you mean “I put my coat in a puddle for my wife so she’s making me do laundry for a week” then yes chivalry is dead

@GroovyTasia

Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones

Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas

Him: You’re unbelievable!

Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?

@vinfury

If you play your cards right, I could be your 2nd and 4th husband.

@Liffonmelsmork

It’s getting cold in here
So take off all your clothes
Then we can make a fire with them