Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
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The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet