God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
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two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it