@krisv_723

Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.

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@QwertyJones3

My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.

“What did you do?”

We finally found a happy medium

@skickwriter

I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.

@peachesanscream

What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?

@SarahFemme

I hope at my funeral someone has the foresight to bring a Ouija board so I can live tweet Hell.

@Dawn_M_

[making small talk at a party]

Hair products are so expensive these days. Do you think that’s why poor people look like shit?”

@JackeeHarry

It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..

@semple42

She danced her way into his heart.

-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.

@fowlerism

[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself