Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
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Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Great game to play with friends
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.