Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.

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My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.

“What did you do?”

We finally found a happy medium


I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.


What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?


I hope at my funeral someone has the foresight to bring a Ouija board so I can live tweet Hell.


[making small talk at a party]

Hair products are so expensive these days. Do you think that’s why poor people look like shit?”


It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..


She danced her way into his heart.

-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.


[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself