I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
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My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
so this horse walks into a bar
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.