Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
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My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar