Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
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A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.