@sage_lita

Him: I like a girl who’s a good host

Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS

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@JokesWithMark

My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.

@climaxximus

doctor: take it easy on your joints from now on

me: ok

(later)

me: [talking to my blunt] i’m sorry I called you fat

@ceejoyner

ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery

@Kernsti

When my mom first saw my Facebook she was offended it said I was “interested in men” I think because she thought that was a list of hobbies

@jimmytorosian

Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends

@MelvinofYork

I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing

@kylekinane

There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.

@taylortomlinson

Somebody texted me “What are you doing?” and I just wrote back, “My best.”

@sarcasticmommy4

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.