My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
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doctor: take it easy on your joints from now on
me: [talking to my blunt] i’m sorry I called you fat
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
When my mom first saw my Facebook she was offended it said I was “interested in men” I think because she thought that was a list of hobbies
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Somebody texted me “What are you doing?” and I just wrote back, “My best.”
One person gets an idiom wrong and it spreads like wildflower
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.