Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
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I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Vodka burrito was a success
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely