Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
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Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
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A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.