Him: I like bad girls.

Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.


Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.

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*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*


Director: we haven’t heard from the fly on the wall documentary crew in days any idea what happened to them?

Me: *slowly pushes rolled up newspaper out of view* no – no i haven’t


20 year old me: *imagines awesome career, travelling the world, being in love*

32 year old me: *tweets*


there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911


[gets down on one knee]

her: omg

[gets down on two knees]

her: ok…

[gets down on third knee]

her: wtf


The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.


Why is everyone mad at Kim Davis? Nobody in the government does their job.


Why its called ‘having your period’ and not ‘rolling out the red carpet ‘ I’ll never know.