@ramblinma

Him: I like bad girls.

Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.

Him:

Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.

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@withanewname

*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*

@sonictyrant

Director: we haven’t heard from the fly on the wall documentary crew in days any idea what happened to them?

Me: *slowly pushes rolled up newspaper out of view* no – no i haven’t

@AthenaMystique

20 year old me: *imagines awesome career, travelling the world, being in love*

32 year old me: *tweets*

@MrSpoonicorn

there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911

@GoodZiIIa

[gets down on one knee]

her: omg

[gets down on two knees]

her: ok…

[gets down on third knee]

her: wtf

@UncleDuke1969

The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.

@TheMichaelRock

Why is everyone mad at Kim Davis? Nobody in the government does their job.

@VicFuture

Why its called ‘having your period’ and not ‘rolling out the red carpet ‘ I’ll never know.