Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
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Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?