Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
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the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
an airline just for babies.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.