Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
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My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)