congratulations to them
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Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild