Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
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Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop