Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
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*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
I need this for my side hustle.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.