@MiddlingMs

Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*

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@david8hughes

How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.

@django

Did You Know?

Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.

@Token_Geezer

Why did he do that?
Who is she?
What does that mean?
When did that happen?
Why?
How?
I need to go to the toilet.

– Child, at the cinema

@impaulmccoy

People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.

@ThePhilFactor

How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?

@Gooooats

According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.

@murrman5

[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?

@Shelts99

My wife wants me to make her scream in the bedroom.

The 32 lego pieces & 6 upturned plugs, I’ve strategically placed, should do the trick.