@omgshuddup

Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”

Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.

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@weinerdog4life

Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors

@5hael

*smashes car through your living room*

Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?

@Marlebean

*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*

WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!

@SteveKoehler22

Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.

They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.

@_thatigirl

Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.

@DirtMcTurd

If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave

@mortimermaiden

Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.