Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
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I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.