Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!

Me: You should post something on FaceBook.

Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.


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The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.

In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.


Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.


“I just love a man in uniform”

~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes


I’d catch a gently thrown tennis ball for you.


If you don’t want to be there today, just say “I’m just here for the food and hopefully some good commercials. Also congrats on the wedding”


I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart


If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.


Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.


LOIS LANE: *pulls back from kissing* clark your glasses are hurting my nose can you take them off