@djdarrellripley

Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!

Me: You should post something on FaceBook.

Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.

Me:

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@eTHEgoddess

The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.

In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.

@amydillon

Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.

@TheWinegasm

“I just love a man in uniform”

~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes

@jazmasta

I’d catch a gently thrown tennis ball for you.

@SortaBad

If you don’t want to be there today, just say “I’m just here for the food and hopefully some good commercials. Also congrats on the wedding”

@mastrap84

I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart

@jordan_stratton

If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.

@TheAndrewNadeau

Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.

@trojansauce

LOIS LANE: *pulls back from kissing* clark your glasses are hurting my nose can you take them off
CLARK KENT: no