Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
You Might Also Like
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”