@mrjohndarby

him: I love indiana jones movies

me: I’ll introduce you to my friend. she LOVES steven spielberg

him: awesome

[later]
him: hi

steven spielberg’s wife: hello

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@daemonic3

date: this is my first time at a french restaurant

me: i feel like i’ve been here once before

date: are you having deja vu?

me: no i’m having the chicken

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?

5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.

Me: You’ve never had coffee.

5-year-old: Exactly.

@NotJPo

“No more Mr Nice Guy”

~ Mr Nice Guy’s eulogy

@NewDadNotes

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?

Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.

Me: [whispers] type-o.

@DougStanhope

I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.

@chuuew

DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here

@Kyle_Lippert

You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?

@wildrainbow2

Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.

@dbgindy

Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉

@TheTweetOfGod

Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.

This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.