Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
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me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
I got soap in my shower beer again.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.