Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
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[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Where’s my employee discount too?
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
everyone’s a critic