Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
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Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.