Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
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get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.