@DontTouchMyWine

Him: I love redheads. I could totally see you being a great wife.

Me: I could totally see you being a great chalk outline.

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@P_o_n_k

[Praying mantis funeral]

PRIEST: He died doing what he loved

@CornerPubRon

Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:15:”GloriaFallon123″;s:5:”image”;s:68:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/614026754/Gloria_small_bigger.jpg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”231766307383697409″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”89″;s:5:”tweet”;s:137:”The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.””;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@kimtopher22

The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.

@donni

Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly

@david8hughes

“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”

@KentWGraham

Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.

@ShitJokes

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.

“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”

@gobmentcheese

Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.

@Home_Halfway

You really are the cat’s pajamas, and by that I mean you’re a stupid idea.