Him: I love redheads. I could totally see you being a great wife.

Me: I could totally see you being a great chalk outline.

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[Praying mantis funeral]

PRIEST: He died doing what he loved


Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month


a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:15:”GloriaFallon123″;s:5:”image”;s:68:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/614026754/Gloria_small_bigger.jpg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”231766307383697409″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”89″;s:5:”tweet”;s:137:”The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.””;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}


The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.


Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly


“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”


Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.


I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.

“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”


Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.


You really are the cat’s pajamas, and by that I mean you’re a stupid idea.