Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
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I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money