Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop

Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there

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7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?

Me: Cooking dinner.

7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?

Me: I have no idea.


And Grandmother, what a big thighs you have!
*Wolf just starts crying*


I’m really glad they named a park bench after my uncle in memorial. It fits, he was great at having homeless ppl sleep on top of him


Dracula: I vant to suck your blood

Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK

Dracula: vhoa


Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.


KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok


Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.


A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!


I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.