@msdanifernandez

him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere

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@SteussieErica

Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.

@Lazer_Cat_

*gives date flowers*

Here. I murdered these plants for you.

@loneIymood

dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles

@WheelTod

Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done

[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?

@flashember

[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!

@AshleyGriffo_

Your fingers have fingertips but your toes don’t have toetips, yet you can tiptoe but can’t tipfinger

@sgrstk

I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.

@pixelatedboat

When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that