@msdanifernandez

him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere

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@iinkedZombie

Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.

Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.

@AlcoholAndTacos

Trump has so many failed businesses, if he wanted to shut down abortion clinics, he should have just put his name on one

@cravin4

Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:

Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings

@kangel76

If “Cops” has taught me anything it’s to stay away from people with blurry faces, they’re nothing but trouble…

@elle91

I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.

@ValeeGrrl

7yo: I’M REALLY MAD AT YOU MOMMA SO I’M GOING TO BED EARLY

Me: OH NO. NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT

@DrakeGatsby

Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?

*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*

Me: Sure let’s go with that.

@geekysteven

Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?

@XplodingUnicorn

[loud crashes]

Me: What was that?

4-year-old: Nothing.

Me:

4:

Me: OK.

Parenting is easier than it looks.