him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
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If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
i baked you a cake
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Welcome to the stomach
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.