Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
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*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Batman (1989): An orphan fights a clown
Your fingers have fingertips but your toes don’t have toetips, yet you can tiptoe but can’t tipfinger
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that