Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
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Trump has so many failed businesses, if he wanted to shut down abortion clinics, he should have just put his name on one
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
IT HAS A NAME!
If “Cops” has taught me anything it’s to stay away from people with blurry faces, they’re nothing but trouble…
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
7yo: I’M REALLY MAD AT YOU MOMMA SO I’M GOING TO BED EARLY
Me: OH NO. NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Me: What was that?
Parenting is easier than it looks.