Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
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My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
this FaceApp is creepy af
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”