@AbbieEvansXO

Him: I missed you

Me: I missed you too

*we both reload our duelling pistols*

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@Jake_Vig

All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.

@colleen_eileen

Good afternoon. Coworker Z just spotted exiting the bathroom…with a bag of chips. Bless.

@sarcasm_inc

“2015 AND PETSMART STILL DOESN’T HAVE FITTING ROOMS,” I say somewhat loudly as Fluffy has to try on sweaters right there in the aisle.

@WilliamAder

Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.

@brynnester

Grim Reaper: I have come for you

Grim Reaper’s Wife: You don’t have to say that every time we do it

@BoomBoomBetty

If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend

@MethShart

David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.

@MisterBombay

People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides

@SamuelHLowe

You know you’re old when you watch a horror movie where annoying, partying college kids get murdered and you identify with the killer.