@AbbieEvansXO
@Jake_Vig
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
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@Jake_Vig
@colleen_eileen
Good afternoon. Coworker Z just spotted exiting the bathroom…with a bag of chips. Bless.
@sarcasm_inc
“2015 AND PETSMART STILL DOESN’T HAVE FITTING ROOMS,” I say somewhat loudly as Fluffy has to try on sweaters right there in the aisle.
@WoodyLuvsCoffee
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
@WilliamAder
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
@brynnester
Grim Reaper: I have come for you
Grim Reaper’s Wife: You don’t have to say that every time we do it
@BoomBoomBetty
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
@MethShart
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
@MisterBombay
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
@SamuelHLowe
You know you’re old when you watch a horror movie where annoying, partying college kids get murdered and you identify with the killer.