All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
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Good afternoon. Coworker Z just spotted exiting the bathroom…with a bag of chips. Bless.
“2015 AND PETSMART STILL DOESN’T HAVE FITTING ROOMS,” I say somewhat loudly as Fluffy has to try on sweaters right there in the aisle.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Grim Reaper: I have come for you
Grim Reaper’s Wife: You don’t have to say that every time we do it
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
You know you’re old when you watch a horror movie where annoying, partying college kids get murdered and you identify with the killer.