Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
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[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?