Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
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how to have fun when you’re poor
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?