@Darlainky

Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.

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@TitansHomer

Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?

Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.

Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*

@RobynPorteous

Wanna know why I hate Vapers?
You smell donuts or cotton candy and turn a corner thinking ‘mmmm I’m gonna treat myself to something tasty.’
But NO.
It’s just Brad and his cloud of LIES.

@Rollinintheseat

The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.

@Home_Halfway

ROSE: I’ll never let go Jack

JACK: You have room

ROSE: I’ll never let go

JACK: You’re in a sailboat

ROSE: Goodbye Jack

JACK: You have a cooler of beer on deck

ROSE:

JACK: The boat has a living room

ROSE:

JACK:

ROSE: Dude can’t you just take a hint

@jbillinson

Biden: I think if we just leave a small-
Obama: No
Biden: Just a small Mouse Trap inspired-
Obama: No booby traps, Joe

@novicefather

I just steam cleaned my carpets and wondered how difficult a homicide would be to clean up.

@kelkulus

A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.