@Darlainky

Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.

You Might Also Like

@Criggerific

“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”

@DadandBuried

Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…

@broken_rhi

My friend just said “I hope you’re staying out of trouble,” and we laughed and laughed.

@MJMcKean

I hope this Shakespeare guy is enjoying his fifteen minutes of fame.

@AllanForsyth

My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.

@Glove_Monkey

Your restraining order says NO

But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.

@tiffistrying

I’m just a girl

standing in front of a pizza

asking it to not have carbs.

@Death_Buddy

*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER