Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
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If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Wanna know why I hate Vapers?
You smell donuts or cotton candy and turn a corner thinking ‘mmmm I’m gonna treat myself to something tasty.’
It’s just Brad and his cloud of LIES.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
ROSE: I’ll never let go Jack
JACK: You have room
ROSE: I’ll never let go
JACK: You’re in a sailboat
ROSE: Goodbye Jack
JACK: You have a cooler of beer on deck
JACK: The boat has a living room
ROSE: Dude can’t you just take a hint
Biden: I think if we just leave a small-
Biden: Just a small Mouse Trap inspired-
Obama: No booby traps, Joe
I just steam cleaned my carpets and wondered how difficult a homicide would be to clean up.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.