There’s something I should tell you…
“Oh god what is it”
I have crabs
*holds up two crabs*
“Oh I thought you meant-”
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
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Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
“You’ve been learning a few weeks now”
“Progress has been slow”
“Perhaps it’s time you sat up front with me?”
My inexpensive home security system…
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
I hate it when I fall in love with someone, then the light turns green and they drive away
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”