*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
You Might Also Like
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
My friend just said “I hope you’re staying out of trouble,” and we laughed and laughed.
I hope this Shakespeare guy is enjoying his fifteen minutes of fame.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER