Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
You Might Also Like
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’