Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
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After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
I hate everything
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present