@Hobo_Splendido

Him: I started taking Prevagen two years ago and my memory’s really improved
Her: You started five years ago
Him: Yeah, five years ago

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@NewDadNotes

Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.

Santa: yes.

Me: put them together?

Santa: yep.

Me: wrap them up?

Santa: that’s right.

Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?

Santa:

Me:

Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.

@AdmiralAkbrown

“Oh look, it’s sleeping!” “Oh look, it’s sleeping!” “Oh look, it’s sleeping!” -every trip to the zoo, ever

@dorsalstream

Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.

Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.

@cmfh111

during childbirth, a woman can almost experience the excruciating pain felt by a world cup soccer player when someone lightly touches his leg.

@copymama

Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.

@PracticalBedlam

Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.

@EyalTweet

My 3-year-old son is building a shed for me in the backyard, but he refuses to cut the steel roof panels with a circular saw and a carbide blade. What the hell am I doing wrong??