Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
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My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Canadian owl: Eh?
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.