Him: I started taking Prevagen two years ago and my memory’s really improved
Her: You started five years ago
Him: Yeah, five years ago

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Me: I find pregnant women attractive.

She: But I’m not pregnant.

Me: Gimme a few minutes.


*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy


Me: We spend a lot of time together.

Her: Turn left.

Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.

Her: Arriving at destination.


Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.


I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.

And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!


Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead

(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)


FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company

FRIEND: hertz?

ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does


[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”