DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
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Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.