giddy up Office Depot
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[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!