Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
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[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
*offers Batman cough drops*
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Mornin
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.