him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
You Might Also Like
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Merry Christmas
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house