@WhaJoTalkinBout

him: I think we should see other people

me: is that on hulu or netflix

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@stats_canada

85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon

@ksecaw

Why does a microwave beep multiple times. Don’t act like we aren’t waiting by it

@Darlainky

I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.

@Rollmaninoz

Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on

@envydatropic

I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.

@Rockenden

I can’t love you. I’m still in love with a girl I saw in a toothpaste ad 15 yrs ago. She winced when she ate ice cream, I can’t abandon her.

@dave_cactus

Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible

@UncleDuke1969

Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.

@caliluvgirl77

Grabs intercom:

ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS