85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
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Why does a microwave beep multiple times. Don’t act like we aren’t waiting by it
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
I can’t love you. I’m still in love with a girl I saw in a toothpaste ad 15 yrs ago. She winced when she ate ice cream, I can’t abandon her.
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS