Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
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Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
Lucky old June.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
If you breakdance you buy dance.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak