Him: I thought you said your resolution was to stop drinking wine.

Me: no, I said I was going to stop BUYING wine *hands him back his credit card* you bought these.

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Relax lady, you can quit giving me dirty evil looks. I don’t want my own husband, so I sure as hell don’t want yours.


I find that making meetings take less than 15 minutes and making sex last longer than 15 minutes elicit very similar responses


Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.


Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.

4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?


Harry: Want to see a magic trick?

Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.

Harry: Got your nose!

Voldemort: You know I hate that game.


If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.


[watching TV]

“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”

Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*


My music preferences range between something your grandma would listen to, to something that could potentially kill her.


When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.