@sweetmomissa

Him: I thought you said your resolution was to stop drinking wine.

Me: no, I said I was going to stop BUYING wine *hands him back his credit card* you bought these.

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@BlakWidowBarbee

Relax lady, you can quit giving me dirty evil looks. I don’t want my own husband, so I sure as hell don’t want yours.

@portmanteauface

I find that making meetings take less than 15 minutes and making sex last longer than 15 minutes elicit very similar responses

@HughGoesThere

Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.

@mompsychologist

Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.

4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?

@ashmensch

Harry: Want to see a magic trick?

Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.

Harry: Got your nose!

Voldemort: You know I hate that game.

@WryBry

If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.

@squirrel74wkgn

[watching TV]

“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”

Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*

@P0tterhead_394

My music preferences range between something your grandma would listen to, to something that could potentially kill her.

@man_spach

When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.