4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
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Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space